Thoughts
by Sock-Queen
Summary: Lucy examines her life.
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer, I do not own any of the 7th Heaven characters, they belong to Brenda Hampton.  
  
Please review, but no flames.  
  
Thoughts  
  
I screech and whine because that is what is expected of me. If I don't behave like a jealous harpy my mother accuses me of sabotaging my relationship with my boyfriend. My boyfriend should always come first, he is more important than school, family or me. He says that what love is about, making yourself subordinate to someone else, but he has never done anything because I wanted him to. He claims that living in my family's garage and calling my mother 'Mom' is what I wanted, but nothing could be further from the truth.  
  
This isn't love, how can I be in love when I don't even know who I am and when the man who professes to love me invades my privacy and controls every aspect of my life. If this was just about Kevin and me, well it wouldn't be easy to get rid of him but I would have the freedom to do so, however, there is the issue of my mother.  
  
My Mom is another person who likes to have control, many of my dad's parishioners marvel at how she runs our house, looks after my brothers and sisters and still manages to help out at the church. It's all a well constructed lie through, she neglects my brothers David and Sam so much that I don't know if they realise that she is their mother. When it comes to the church, my mother is really good at making it appear that she is involved in an activity, when in reality she turns up to a few meetings and makes a lot of noise. The only truth about my mother is that our house is always spotless and there is plenty of food.  
  
She acts like I'm a burden, when I marry Kevin I won't be her responsibility any more, yesterday she said if I married Kevin before the next semester of college he could pay my tuition. I should be grateful that they are supporting me though college, Mom keeps hinting to Simon that he should join the police or army when he graduates, instead of going to college.  
  
Sorry I got a little distracted there, babbling about my mother and Kevin. I don't know what I want from life, but I know I don't want this. 


	2. Sleep is my only escape

Chapter 2  
  
See Chapter 1 for disclaimers. Thank you to my very kind reviewers, Sara Jaye, Lucky Star and Lire. This my first attempt at fan fiction so please keep reviewing.  
  
Tired seems to be only emotion I'm capable of right now, I can't even get angry anymore, I just want to sleep. Sleep is my only escape. It's so hard just to open my bedroom door and walk down the stairs, I feel like I've just run a marathon just walking into the kitchen.  
  
The energy I need to fix my life just isn't there, I don't know where it is, I eat and exercise, my studies aren't that draining, but all I feel capable of is either sitting in my room or following my boyfriend.  
  
What sort of normal person stalks their boyfriend? Even if I loved him it would be no excuse for my behaviour and I certainly don't love him. I can't just break up with Kevin though, I blame my mother for this, but it's my responsibility too, if I wasn't a coward I could at least control my love life, if nothing else in my life.  
  
What's Mom's excuse for her behaviour though? Okay there were seven of us, hard for any parent, especially when your Dad has a demanding job. Why does she act as if she resents us? I think it started when Mary came home, but we could cope, we thought it was just a part of menopause, but she never changed back. Then her favourites left and it was just me, Simon and Ruthie against Mom.  
  
That's what this feels like, a war, everyday our defences are chipped away a little more, until we submit to her will. She seems to be focussing her energy on Simon at the moment; I guess she feels that I'm already beaten. I hear her sharp voice berating him again.  
  
"Simon your grades aren't really that spectacular, they are certainly no where near Matt's. You have to realise that we have limited funds, Matt might have a scholarship but he still needs money to support him and Sarah, along with Lucy's tuition we simply can't afford to put you through college. If your grades were better and you picked a course that we approved of then we might consider it, but since you have failed on both counts." My mother's hectoring voice floated up the stairs.  
  
"But Mom I could get student loans and work." Simon pleaded with Mom.  
  
"Firstly I don't believe in student loans, debt is wrong Simon, you should read your bible more carefully, secondly the course you have selected is unsuitable, Modern Literature, I seen the reading list for that subject and I do not approve. Select a career like the police or the military, bring up college again Simon and I will put you on restriction". Mother could barely contain the fury in her voice, Simon stomped up the stairs.  
  
I can't believe her words; she's twisting the words of the Bible to control him. I want to run to him, tell him there is another way, we can fight her, but I don't. I hate her, when did I start hating her? I don't want to hate my mother, but she has made me hate her and I will use it to my advantage.  
  
I need to change this, but I'm too weak to directly confront her, I . I need to be subtle, to confuse her, to win. 


	3. The hate will help me

I'm going AU from here, Rev Cam's therapist is female not male in my world and timeline is season seven. Thanks again for all the reviews, your have inspired me to write more.  
  
Chapter 3  
  
I have stared at the ceiling, night after night, trying to think of a plan, but I have nothing, what can I do to divert my mother? I think the lack of sleep is affecting my ability to think. God, what am I doing, I'm trying to destroy my mother, maybe I need therapy like Dad. Wait . Dad.  
  
Mom has made plenty of crazy accusations about Dad being attracted to other women, it shouldn't be hard to make her think. What am I thinking? Dad has never done anything really, he's a little overprotective but he has never been like Mom.  
  
How many times has he avoided confronting her, when he should of stood up for us, he's an adult, Mom's equal in name, if nothing else. Is doing nothing, while our mother oppresses us, as bad as if he had joined her? I admit that I'm guilty of inaction, but at least I'm trying to do something now.  
  
I search my drawers and eventually discover some old lipstick, I can't use any of my new makeup, just in case Mom makes the connection. I sit at my desk and wait.  
  
The front door slams and I hear my Dad call Mom, when he gets no response, he heads to the laundry room to change. I wait again, until the familiar whine of the lawnmower can be heard. The door handle feels heavy and stiff, I nearly give up and crawl back into bed, but then I remember the pain that has forced me to do this. Once I open my door, the rest of the journey is simple, until I reach the laundry basket. I am convinced that any second my mother will burst through the door and catch me, I don't know how I'm going to do this, but suddenly I find the strength, I make a small mark of lipstick on my Dad's collar, nothing too obvious but enough to be suspicious over. To make sure Mom checks the laundry basket I throw a few coins in.  
  
It won't take much to make her jealous, she hates that Dad is seeing a female therapist and I think she is already a little suspicious that he talks so freely to her.  
  
I did it. I guess I'm not such a big coward anymore, this is the start, I don't know what of, but this is the start.  
  
Dad, I'm sorry I truly am, but if you had done something this wouldn't be necessary. 


	4. Walking

For disclaimer see Chapter 1, thanks again to my reviewers, Sorry about the delay in updates, but the heating and hot water broke down at my halls and I went home. The heating still isn't fixed, so if this chapter is a little bitter, it's because I hate being cold.  
  
Chapter 4  
  
The house has been quiet lately, Mom has been busy stalking Dad all over town, and she even dragged Ruthie along yesterday. I don't know what to do, act too early and everything falls apart, act to late and I've missed my chance. There is no perfect time for me to continue with my plan, the hardest part was beginning, it won't be easy but I'm not a coward anymore.  
  
Kevin, I have to get rid of him now, I think he might actually propose, God what an idiot. If I just break up with him, my family will pressure me to take him back, I have to make him dump me, leave Glenoak and make my family hate him, whilst keeping the pressure on Mom.  
  
Condoms, if I hide some in my Dad's office, Mom will find them while cleaning. No that's too obvious she might confront him and he might change his therapist. Damn, I'll just have to move fast with Kevin.  
  
I've always wondered why he was so keen to move to Glenoak. I mean it was so difficult to move between police departments and he hardly knew me. Maybe he was taking bribes and had to move on or get caught. He does have a very expensive car, on a cop's wage. I need to research Kevin, find out about his life in New York, but I can't do that without warning him. I have make Captain Michaels suspicious enough to investigate him. Drugs.  
  
The area between the church, promenade, high school and college couldn't be safer, Glenoak at times appears to be the safest place on earth, but there are places that are hidden, where you can pretty much get anything. Kevin is working tonight, Simon is working, Ruthie is babysitting the twins, Dad is at his therapist and Mom is following him. I announce that I'm studying at a friend's house and head towards the outskirts of town.  
  
It's relaxed here, not like home when everybody in our street has to keep a façade up, okay bad things happen here too, but people seem more honest. I might be romanticising this place but, it's just so different, I sound naïve, but that's how it feels to me. I guess it's cause I'm so restricted at home, I get a taste of freedom, good or bad, I just want to savour it. Christ, I think this rambling is nerves, I have to be calm or else I should just walk away. It's not bad what I'm doing, well okay it's not good, but it's a necessary evil. I don't want to hurt anyone, but I'm fighting for my life here and if I stop now I might as well be dead.  
  
Kevin isn't a good person, I just get this vibe off him, it sounds dumb, but how else can I describe it? I feel that there's this whole other person hidden beneath his dull exterior and I sense that this other person isn't nice. Sometimes I think he'd like to hit me, it's way he stands and the tone of voice he uses, everything I say or think that he doesn't agree with is wrong. He hates me having independent thoughts, I swear if he could, he would control what I think.  
  
To him Mary is an example with what is wrong with this world, she left Glenoak and has her own life in Fort Lauderdale, free to make her own decisions, Kevin thinks that she needs to be taught respect. Why? She's an adult, she's made mistakes but Mary learnt from them, does she have a right to her own life?  
  
I'm right to do this to Kevin, if don't I'm condemning myself to a life controlled by him and I couldn't live that way.  
  
My watch tells me I've been walking for nearly an hour, my feet ache and I haven't seen a drug dealer anywhere, but its not like they advertise. I've had enough, I turn around and start walking and that's when I see him.  
  
What the hell is Kevin doing here? I hide behind a wall, not daring to look. He can't of followed me, he would of confronted me at the earlier. My curiosity eventually overpowers my fear and I sneak a look around the wall. He's not wearing his uniform and he's taking that girl into the alley. I feel so stupid, this explains so much, he's never even hinted that he wants to sleep with me; I can't remember the last time he had a day off.  
  
There's a pay phone less than half a block away, I reach it without even breaking a sweat, I can't remember the last time I had so much energy. I punch the numbers without even thinking. "911, what is your emergency?" "A women is being attacked in an alley, on Williams Street, please send help." "What is your name caller?" The reputation of Williams Street will help me "I can't say, he's too powerful, he's a cop. I've said too much" I slam the phone down and run.  
  
I keep to the back streets and I eventually near home. I had to tell the dispatcher that Kevin was a cop; otherwise it might be covered up. Kevin has few friends in Glenoak, but they might feel obligated to protect him.  
  
I've been lucky tonight, but what would I have done if I had found a drug dealer? This was too easy, but I guess I should of expected it. It's not going be hard to make my family hate Kevin when his actions become public, it shouldn't take long before Captain Michaels launches an investigation and the rumours will spread.  
  
I have to pressure my Mom more, she needs to be more suspicious, so that when Kevin is revealed, she won't know what to do, I need her confused and paranoid, so I can make my next move. 


	5. Moving fast

See Chapter 1 for disclaimer. Thanks for the reviews again, they've inspired me. Sorry about the gap between updates, I still have no heating. Please keep reviewing.  
  
Chapter 5  
  
My world, like my parent's, used to be black and white. You were either right or wrong; there was no room for ambiguity. You'd think living in a world with such clear rules would be easy, but its not. Make one mistake and you're condemned and once you've been condemned, redemption is difficult, if not impossible.  
  
I've watched many members of my family try to destroy people because they didn't live up to their standards of morality. I've even done it myself, at times, just because we had to the power to do it, we had no real justification. My actions of the last few weeks might seem wrong or even evil, but at least I'm honest about the morality of my actions, it's better than the hypocritical morality of my parents.  
  
Kevin is gone, back in Buffalo. I think my parents know that he did something wrong, as Captain Michaels, spoke to them, but they haven't said anything to me. All Mom said was that she no longer considered him suitable for me. Even though I agree with her, it was my decision to make; I'm twenty, not two. If nothing else, my mother's behaviour has strengthened my resolve. I was starting to regret my plan a little, but this has convinced me that I have no choice.  
  
The stress is definitely getting to her, I could hear her screeching at him this morning, demanding that he quit therapy, but Dad shocked me, he actually stood up to her! This is probablary only a temporary phase, but this will make her even more suspicious. I need to move fast though, but what can I do to disorientate her?  
  
Alcohol, maybe if I get her drunk, I could embarrass her, make her look like a fool. Yes, that would help, but how? If I spike her drink she might catch me, damn it, how do I do this? Wait, she normally has a few drinks before dinner on a Friday; I just have to increase the strength of the drink. Hey, Dad normally goes to see that friend of his on a Friday, if I could convince Mom that Dad's lied to her about his trip, she would rush out to try and find him and cause a scene. If I get her drunk enough, she's so paranoid at the moment, she wouldn't stop to think.  
  
She always has two vodkas and orange juice, while dinner is cooking, I poured a third of a new bottle into a thermos and topped the bottle up with water and hid the flask in my shoulder bag.  
  
Mom had just settled herself on the sofa, when the twins started crying, I grabbed the flask and topped her drink up, stirring it with my finger. She was interrupted so many times, that by the time she'd finished her third drink, I'd used three quarters of the flask. By the time we finished dinner; she had drunk another two glasses and seemed unfocused. Making sure that she could hear me, I sat next to Ruthie on the couch.  
  
"Dad's late tonight." I said, striving for a causal tone. "Don't be stupid, he's at his friend's house, it's a two hour drive away, it'll be hours before he's home". Ruthie snapped, her eyes not leaving the television screen. "Oh, I thought I heard him cancel, he had to meet Lou or something". "You must have heard wrong". "Yeah, maybe". Lou had left to visit his brother in Texas, yesterday; he wasn't due back for a week. I could almost hear my mother's brain working this out.  
  
"Lucy I have to go out, look after Ruthie" She spoke like her mouth was stuck together with glue. I nodded as she marched towards the hall.  
  
"SIMON." My brother ran down the stairs, scared of another punishment, he had been put on restriction after Mom found some college prospectuses under his bed.  
  
"You will drive me to town, as you are still on restriction, you will not leave the car or speak to anyone, if you do, you'll think Mary got off lightly." She had to lean on the banister to stand up straight. Simon tried to speak but she silenced him. "You will only speak when I tell you to, get in the car."  
  
I can't save Simon, Ruthie and the twins; they can only save themselves, but can make it easier for them, by weakening her and by showing them that she cannot run my life. It's too late now anyway, I can't stop or go back, I can only move forward. 


	6. Saturday Morning

See Chapter 1 for disclaimer, thanks again to my reviewers and sorry about the gap between chapters. Go on keep reviewing, you know you want to.  
  
Chapter Six  
  
I roll over and look at my clock, Six am, way too early for a Saturday, but I might as well get up, or Mom will be on my back. Or maybe not, she'll be sleeping of late night for a while.  
  
To hell with it, I'll get up. I shower and dress quickly and head downstairs. The silence is almost eerie, after the events of last night, every time I think about what happened, I can't stop smiling, the cops even brought her home! Apparently she staggered into almost every bar in town, accusing complete strangers of corrupting Dad, if she wasn't a Camden, she'd probably been arrested. Then after the cops had left, Dad came home.  
  
"Annie, I had-"Mom cut him off straight away. "Out." She'd attacked the liquor cabinet again while waiting for him. "What?" My father looked bemused. "Get out. I won't have you in this house." Her nostrils flared and she continued to snarl at him. "You're worthless useless lazy cheat and I don't need you". Dad was struck dumb, as she pushed him out the door. "But, but-, I don't understand Annie, why are you doing this?" "Oh you know exactly why I'm doing this Eric" She slammed the door and had to grab hold of the wall, to stop herself from falling over. "I don't need him, its not like he does anything. I'm the strong one in this family." She rambled on, alternately cursing my father's weakness and blaming the evil woman with no man of her own, who had stolen him.  
  
I'm gonna leave Glenoak, I'll never be free otherwise. My desire to stay out of the house whenever possible meant that I took as many supplementary classes as humanly possible. That means that thankfully, I'm not restricted to theology. I'd like to study Modern History, maybe with a few Politics classes.  
  
Chicago is my goal, it's far enough from Buffalo and California, that Mom or the Colonel won't be able to run my life. I can get a student loan and work so I'm not beholden to my mother. It won't be easy but I'm not afraid of change any more.  
  
My grades are more than good enough to get into the University of Chicago and so long as I keep my grade point average up, I'll be in Chicago next September. Eight months feels like forever but I know I'm going to be free and that's all that matters.  
  
I write Mom a short note telling her I'm going to study at the library, grab my coat and open the door. I only make it as far as the street, when I hear my Dad calling me. "Luce, Lucy." He waved at me from the car, unshaved, smelly and he looked like he hadn't slept. I felt a flash of guilt, but I suppressed it, when I beat her it will be better for everyone, including him, it's worth a little pain. You never know he might grow a backbone. "What have I done to upset your mother?" He looked broken, I resisted the urge to shake him and spoke. "She thinks you're having an affair." "That's crazy, I would never do anything to hurt her." Dad's voice quavered and he sounded like he was on the verge of crying. "If you've done nothing, don't let her treat you like this, stand up to her Dad." I pleaded. "No Luce, that would be too diffic-, uh, look marriage is complicated you wouldn't understand honey." He sighed. I nodded, resigned to his weakness and started walking towards the library.  
  
God, he is such a coward, I can't believe he's not even going try. I reflect that it's probably a good thing that he's on leave from the church at the minute as he shouldn't be counselling anyone at the moment.  
  
I never thought that I could manipulate her this way, but I am a Camden, I guess it's second nature to me. I should have done this years ago, I've wasted so much time being her puppet. It's not enough that I beat her; I want to make her suffer. 


	7. Empty bottles and regrets

See Chapter One for disclaimers, thanks again to my reviewers and sorry about the gap between updates, too much uni work.  
  
Chapter Seven  
  
It's been a week now; Dad came round yesterday and announced that he is returning to work. I think he hoped that Mom would let him back in the house, but she ignored him and wouldn't even let him in. She will let him return at some point though, otherwise we'll lose the house.  
  
I've noticed that since last Friday, she has been drinking more than usual, you can smell it on her. I've been trying to think how to use this and it seems to point to only one option, Annie Camden, drunk driver. If I'm going to do this, I have to make sure that she gets caught immediately, I'm not crazy I don't want anyone hurt, - except her.  
  
But who would arrest her? Sometimes I feel like I'm part of the mafia, 'cause no cop will touch you if you're a Camden. Captain Michaels would probably just drive her home and the rest of Glenoak PD wouldn't dare come near her-. Hold on, what about Roxanne? She despises our family, especially after my parents convinced Captain Michaels to send him back to Buffalo. I listened to my parent's conversations for weeks after he was sent back East and finally discovered that the investigation turned up no real evidence of corruption, he was suspected of using hookers, but there was no proof. He'd cheated on me and if I wasn't a Camden, he'd probably still be working in Glenoak.  
  
Roxanne is a possibility; she's made no secret of her dislike of my family. I can't tip her off directly, I might get caught, pager message? If I used a pay phone, it couldn't be traced back to me.  
  
I feel like my head is going to explode, there are so many ways I can do this. Ruthie needs to be picked up from riding tomorrow afternoon, if I make sure that no one else is available, Mom will have to do it. I could page Roxanne telling her that Annie Camden is drunk driving and she's just left our house. Mom will be pinned against a police car before she can turn out of our street.  
  
I convinced Simon to take the twins to the park tomorrow, told him that Mom might take him off restriction if he got into her good books and I keep mentioning a big test that I need to study for, Mom rarely listens to us, she was easy to convince.  
  
The night passes slowly and I spend most of the morning jumping at every noise. My palms are slick with sweat and I feel ill with anticipation. I look in the mirror and I don't recognize the face that stares back, I look different, stronger and harder than before. I don't have time to dwell on the change, it's nearly time and luckily for me she's been drinking all morning.  
  
"MOM, I'm going to the library, don't forget to pick up Ruthie from horse riding at four". I yell and slam the front door. I move quickly down our street, to the corner, there's a pay phone across the road. It's quiet this time of day, nobody around to question why I'm hanging about on a street corner.  
  
It takes her twenty minutes but she finally ventures outside, I run to the pay phone and punch Roxanne's pager number in and send the message. By the time I finish she's already driving down the street. I can hardly breathe from the stress, when it hits me, what have I done? What if she causes an accident before Roxanne gets to her or she picks up Ruthie and crashes? I'm hyperventilating and I can't believe what I done. My stomach gets the better of me and I vomit into the gutter. I have to call 911.  
  
I make the call telling them she's going to the stables. I feel paranoid and try to wipe my fingerprints off the phone. I run back to the house and rinse my mouth out. I want to hide, but I have to know if I've hurt anyone. I want to cry, scream, do anything but sit and wait but I can't.  
  
An hour passes and the phone finally rings, I hover above it, terrified of it, until my hand stretches out almost of its own accord and picks up the receiver. "Hello". "Hi, is that Mrs Camden?" "No, it's her daughter". "Oh, I'm Gemma Willis's mother, she rides with Ruthie. Since your Mom is running quite late, I thought I'd give Ruthie a ride home, I was just ringing to check if there was anyone in." "That would be great, I don't know where my Mom is and she has the car." Somehow I keep my voice even and calm. Mrs Willis gives me her cell phone number and hangs up.  
  
I sit in front of the TV, scanning the local news channels for traffic accidents until Ruthie arrives home. I apologise to Mrs Willis and thank her for bringing Ruthie home.  
  
The phone rings again. "Hi". "Is Eric Camden there?" A subdued male voice responded. "No, uh- this Lucy Camden though". I almost stuttered as I spoke. "Lucy, this is Officer Fulbrook from Glenoak PD, I really need to speak to your dad. Do you know where he is?" "Maybe he's at the church?" I responded in a guarded tone. "I've already tried there." I swallowed and asked "Has something happened? I'm not a kid, please tell me." He paused and replied "Your mother failed a sobriety test and we took her down to the station where a blood test confirmed that she was driving will under the influence. She needs someone to make bail." I hung up.  
  
I did it, no one was hurt and she got caught. No one got hurt, why don't I feel like I did when I got rid of Kevin? I should feel like celebrating, but I just feel empty.  
  
I wonder if it will make the Glenoak Times? 'Local minister's wife arrested for drunk driving'. Now there's something for the family album. This doesn't feel like a victory though. I almost wish I hadn't done this.  
  
I can't think like this, no one was hurt and she's in jail, this is a triumph not a failure. 


	8. Avoidance and examination

See Chapter 1 for disclaimer. Sorry this chapter is shorter than normal, I should be updating more regularly now. I've had this chapter written for over a month now, I would really appreciate some feedback as I'm quite uncertain about it.  
  
Chapter 8  
  
I feel drained and I don't really understand why, my plan was working perfectly. It's an effort to hold a conversation with anyone, I just nod and say what is expected of me, a demure, innocent minister's daughter, and nobody has even guessed the truth about me.  
  
I'm like a robot now, get up, do some chores, go to class, study, do more chores and then sleep. The repetition is kind of soothing; I don't have to think anymore, I just focus on my next task. If I have nothing to do, my mind fills itself with image of the damage that I- my mother could of done. So I help out with Sam and David more, do volunteer work at the church and study harder then I have ever done before and works I don't think, I just live. I work hard to stay out the house, the tension is unbearable. The house has never been this quiet; I think we're all scared that if we break the silence we'll explode.  
  
Dad's back, he had a 'talk' with Captain Michaels, Mom is attending alcohol awareness classes under the guise of using the experience to educate the community about the dangers of alcohol. No criminal record, no shame and to most of the community she remains a paragon of morality.  
  
No permanent changes seem to happen to Camdens, except marriage and children. Mary is the only one who has challenged this and she made mistakes, but she has her own life and she's happy. All it took was one half beer and our loving parents sent her to Buffalo, is it any wonder she hid her debts from them. Simon drank a lot more than half a beer at that party, but he's still here.  
  
So for the last few weeks I've focused on nothing but study and being a good daughter, but it doesn't work anymore, I can't sleep and I don't want to leave my room. I've been hiding the truth from myself and I can't bear it any longer. When I set my mother up to drink drive, I became her, Annie Camden. I've turned into this manipulative, controlling and unpleasant person, the thing I feared I would turn into if I stayed here. I don't know if I can live with myself now. What do I do now? I lay my head on my desk and stare into space. What do I do now? 


End file.
